Small Changes

Sometimes something as simple as moving a room around can make you feel so much better. Maybe it is just the fact that things are clean, or maybe it is that a new thing to look at makes it a little nicer, who knows. What I do know is that I feel good for this current moment. And that is all I can really as for.

The last couple of weeks honestly felt like an emotional roller coaster. I told myself that going on the trip to Reno was what I needed to do to change myself for the better. But to be honest all it did was reassure things that I already knew, and naturally when these not so happy things are reassured I got into a little bit of a dip in emotions. For some reason about half way through the trip I had a small emotional break. I cried for the first time in a long time and I still have zero idea why. I do not think I really want to know why I was crying. I am just glad that I got it out. Coming home as nice, however due to my small dip my mind was going a little crazy. Thankfully things that mellowed out and I have found my level ground, but it does make me realize that this ground my tip at any moment and it is time to change that.

So that is one reason why I made a small change. I moved my office around. Put myself next to a window and did a small amount of organizing. I just finished and I actually feel pretty good. Another thing that I have started to do is hit the actual gym. That is pretty crazy for me because words can not express how much I hate it. I do not mind working out, to me that is the easy part. The hard part is not wondering how many people are looking at me or comparing myself to others. I think this is a problem most of us have at the gym. Honestly the only reason I am going is because I have three months left on my two year contract that I never really used. I figure I am paying for it so I better go. But no matter how much I hate the gym I must say that I do feel a little good about it.

Small things can make you feel like a new person. It may not last for me but it is a start to putting stability under the ground I stand on. I hope that if i do enough of these small changes then I can remain level. I am not sure what small change is next but hopefully it is a fun one. I hope that all of you are doing so amazing. If you have any idea of good small, healthy changes please let me know. I love feedback!

Well You Fucked Up

It is pretty amazing how right within the first few hours of something you can realize how much you hate it and are ready to go back home. It is like any hope you had of it being an amazing trip is out the window and you are ready to buy yourself another ticket home. That pretty much sums up how I feel but I should explain why. So when planing this lovly event for the students the cordinatior seemed to be lacking a large amount of logic. Let me start off with something that anyone could have thought off.

After waking up super early to get to the airport and fly across the state, we finally get to the campus. It truly is a beautiful school but that is about it. He gives us our room keys and explains that they are random. I assumed I would room with some girl that came and that was going to be totally fine. But not instead I am rooming with a very clearly sixty year old woman with no teeth who I swear snores so loud I am amazed anyone in this building did not hear. Then he takes us out to lunch. Mexican food. Any normal person would think that feeding a bunch of people mexican food when they will be very limited to bathrooms and are going to be sitting for a long period of time is probably a really bad idea. Its easy to say that most of us felt like complete shit after waiting an hour for them to bring us our food.

As soon as lunch was over we went to our first lecture. This very clearly was not set up well. We are all in one room which is not bad, however the multiple hours of someone talking about biology and trying to sell this college to be as a grad school was unbelievable dull. There is nothing more boring to a psychology student than someone talking in what seems like a made up language about something they do not in any way understand or find interesting. And coming here knowing there is no way in hell I would go to this school only gets worse when you realize you signed up for five days of them trying to sell it to you with the worst sales pitch in the world.

Soon after this mind blowingly awful hours of tourcher a small group of us decided to do our own dinner. A couple girls and me wanted to his the gym first. This is great because I wanted to keep trying to lose weight while I am here. However what really happened is them running and me getting left behind. I pretty much felt like that fat kid back in P.E. It was embarassing and did not last long. I ended up back in my room within fifteen minutes. It kind if reminded me why I hate working out with people.

Dinner was pretty amazing and the company is not too bad. This is probably the only part I love. I made a few new friends right away and that I love. But getting to dinner sucked. There tempature here is much lower at night than it is in Vegas so forgetting a sweater is an awful thing. But it is worse when the taxi you call never shows up. But once my stomach was full with amazingness I felt much better.

Then I come back, shower and unwind only to lay in bed and listen to this woman slowly die. I think I got about three solid hours and there is not enough coffee in the world for this week. I work up at about 5:30 am which is why this post is so early. I do not mean to bitch so much but the first day is pretty amazingly bad. But I have a plan! I am 100% going to listen to music through the boring lectures! It willl work out perfectly, I know it.

I hope that you all had a better start to your week and got a few laughs from my shitty day. I know I did. Hopefully somehow this week takes a sharp turn for the better. I shall go get crack coffee now and try to start my day the best way that I can! Have an amazing day my lovely reader!

Random Post

There is some things that I have forgotten when it comes to working out. It hurts. A lot. I decided that if I am going to lose weight I need to do more than just cardio and watching what I eat. So I made the odd decision of working out my abs yesterday. Oh my god, the pain. I forgot what it feels like to destroy your muscles so that they come back bigger. Hopefully this pain pays off because I feel like my stomach is falling apart.

I leave for a five day trip in Reno on Monday. When I signed up I was really excited and thought, “Finally I can get out of my comfort zone and try something new! Maybe this will be the outing I need to truly change the way that I live.” Yeah, well I do not in any way feel this way. It is pretty amazing how fast you can feel unwanted or uncomfortable by the way someone responds so simple questions or information. When I started to make plans about this trip it sounded amazing a new friend was going with me so it was going to be great. However as time went on she started to get much more distant and made comments that made me feel very uneasy. So instead of being upset about it I have decided that I will just take this on alone and see how I do by myself. Naturally I will be around people the whole time but I may just keep to myself and get the trip over with. Who knows maybe things will flip and I will have a blast.

The one thing I have noticed from my time off of here is that slowly but surely I am feeling better. I have taken on much more tasks and have found what I need to do to get my life to where I want it to be. There is still so much I need to work on and I am not even close to the end but I am noticing small little changes. That is all I can really ask for at the moment. I can only hope that as time goes on I am able to tackle all of my problems and learn to live with them.

I hope that all of you have been having the most amazing week and weekend and are not dying of heat each day like I am. Summer is very clearly here in Vegas and I do not think anyone who lives here is really all that happy about it. I hope you are though!

Umm What?

So for about the last two weeks I have been focusing a majority of my time on weight loss. I changed my eating habits and spend a significant amount of time finding new healthy things to make and so on. I also looked up types of work outs that I did not need to go to the gym for. I mean I spend hours look at this stuff and I realized something a little scary. I have no idea how to be healthy. I have spent twenty years eating what every people put in front of me and never questioned it. I rarely spend time being active. My most active years was when the only way to get around was to walk or long board. This realization scared the shit out of me.

I can ask anyone and everyone what is the best way to lose weight or even just to be healthy and I bet $100 that every persons answer is different but starts with the phrase all you got to do is…. Its unbelievably frustrating. I can go to Barnes and Noble and every single book will say something different. I understand that every body processes things and is different but my god this is ridiculous. How is anyone suppose to get away from being fat when there is so little information that is the same and so little ways to get help without shelling out thousands of dollars. What makes it even more frightening is that I never learned this crap! No one at home or in school told me how to be healthy. They just shoved some green beans next to my pizza and told me to go play.

Even with all of this I am still trying. I am at least doing what I logically think is right. Only time will tell if my body understands what I am trying to make it do. Sadly it was not at all pleased with my biking today. I see all these people who were my size or bigger that are now healthy as ever and they never talked about how it started. I feel like somehow they just got on a bike or started running at had no problem while I am over here dying in just a few seconds. I guess I just want someone to be blunt with me and help me threw it. I guess I should also stop my little rant for now. If any of you have tips or want to be that person that shows me they started the same I will love you for ever and ever.

Weight Loss Goals

I read a post this morning from a girl about her goals that had to do with fitness and weight loss, and I realized that this was something I so clearly needed to do. I have all these ideas and I know what I really want now so it is time to start them. Today I should be getting a Polar FT4 which is an amazing fitness watch that I see most people who have lost a significant amount of weight use. I decided that this will help me keep informed with what I am doing and how much more I need to burn. With that I needed to get a new battery for my scale that I have not stepped on in a few weeks. When I stood on it I was a little nervous but it seems as though I have stayed roughly in the same range. 230.

Now with all that said I feel as though I should make a list of all the things I hope to accomplish sometime in the next year. Some of these are probably going to be much more difficult than others but I feel as though I will be able to do all of them before I hit my goal size. It has been more than time to make this change. So here goes some goal ideas.

  1. Run one mile without stopping or walking
  2. Complete one hour long workout video without stopping (Fitness Blender Videos on YouTube)
  3. Learn how to do yoga
  4. Read a book on proper nutrition
  5. Get below 200 lbs
  6. Burn 800 calories in one work out
  7. Log all my food for a month (My Fitness Pal)
  8. Work out six days a week for two months
  9. Get back to the gym
  10. Climb stairs for 30 minutes
  11. Run a 5k
  12. Get Fit!
  13. Mediate weekly at minimum (The Honest Guys on YouTube)

This is just a few but the list will probably be added to as time goes on. Each of the side notes is for all of you. I hope that I can reach every one of these goals and the others that come to me. This time I will do it, because I am more than tired of being over weight.

Its Been Some Time

Sometimes it is crazy how fast life can hit you in a different direction. I know it has been some time since I have posted and once I hit a certain point I was a little ashamed and that is why I waited so long. I know that is a really stupid excuse but it is what it is. So let me say all that has happened in the last few weeks.

Last week I ended my sophomore year of college. It was such a rough last few weeks because I started to battle with myself and I just kept added more and more to my plate. I decided to run for Vice President of a psychology club on my campus. I was so unbelievably stressed when the election started. I wanted it so bad but at the same time I wanted to run as fast as I could from the responsibility. But I guess it was meant to be because I won. All the doubt faded away as soon as I heard the news. So far it has been pretty decent.

Soon after that I had an interview for a course assistant (pretty much a teachers assistant). The interview was nerve racking but I felt so much better when it was over because I actually went. I spend two whole weeks talking myself out of doing the interview, but I forced myself to go and I lived. Amazing. I have yet to hear back if i got it but I think that is good because I am unsure if I would even take it.

With all of that I also decided that it is time to get healthy and fit. So far I started to watch what I am eating and adding more exercise to my life. Sadly this showed me how little I know and that is pretty scary. But something about this time feels much different. I know I have said this so many times before but I realized what I really want. I do not want to be “skinny” I want to be healthy and fit. I want to have nice muscles and feel strong. That is something that I have never realized that I wanted.

And lastly I have keep going to therapy and words can not express how amazing it has been going. I have spend so much time living on memories that have fueled my problems and now to have them fade away is so amazing. Each session I feel like weight is being lifted off my shoulders and life looks just a little brighter.

I plant to start writing more again. It is something that I have truly missed and need. So I am sorry to everyone for not posting and I plan to be on here more. I hope that each and every one of you is doing amazing and that your lives are getting better each and every day.

I Can Not Believe It Has Been This Long

Wow I did not even realize how many days it has been since I posted. I guess I really have been zoned out for the last few days. Because of my lack of relaxing over my break I decided to try to relax as much as possible. And I must say I did a decent job of at least wasting time. I am not sure how relaxed I really am though. I used my last post to make some decisions that I really needed to make so in that sense I am a little more relaxed.There is so much I want to talk about but I am completely unsure of where to start. Now that I am coming out of my zone out land my brain is kind of mushy. I just need to organize all of my thoughts and figure out which I want to talk about first.

I feel like the pieces are slowly starting to fall into place. I am finding solutions to the things that I have been constantly stressed about and as each one gets checked off I feel a little better. I am also seeing my grades go up to where I want them to be and that makes me feel a thousand times better. I also decided that it is time to be more involved in school and that it will only help me in the future. I feel like I may be over working myself but at the same time I think it is worse when I have nothing or very little to do.

My blog is something that has begun to suffer and I am not so happy about that. I know I need to work on it but I feel like I am going to have more and more to write about as time goes on. There is so much change not just with school but also with therapy. It is crazy how much you realize about yourself and how much you realize you need to work on in just a short period of time.

I was given homework this week on myself and I think I will post about it soon because there is a lot of question I do not think that we think about often. I can honestly say that as she was asking me I have no idea what to answer. I guess this will make more since when I write about it. But that will be for another post. I miss you guys and I am so sorry that I have not been writing as much. I will make sure to change that. I hope you are all having a fantastic Monday and are ready to tackle this week.


Pros and Cons

Pro and con lists have never been my idea of help, yet I am in a battle with myself and this is what I am told to do. I never liked this method because it always seemed to put it out there but you can not see the weight of each item. You can list thousands of reasons in one column and only one in the other but that one means everything and concurs the others. I am sure this is the point of making a pros and cons chart but for some reason I see it as which list is longer, clearly longer means the winner. Wow I have a stupid brain.

I was talking about these battles that I am having within my own head lately and I was told to make a pros and cons list to find out the answer. At first I kind of blew off the idea but I realize now, what could the harm really be? So as I thought about this master list I decided to put them on here. Now I realize these are super mild issues and really any decision will probably be fine but they seem to be something I am constantly stressing about. I also figured that by putting them on here I may have others eyes and opinions that can help. Sometimes it takes someone else to see what we have been missing all along. So if you feel as though I have missed something or placed something in the list that does not belong there, please do speak up. Or if I am completely doing them wrong and you want to inform me of the proper way that may also help.

So the first battle that I am dealing with it money. Now I never wanted to be this person that constantly talked or worried about money. My mother always and still does do that. Money to her is everything and there is never enough. But last month when time came to pay for school there was no money. Now I hate more than anything to ask my mother for money, that should be clear as to why. But I had to and it got this ball rolling. Now I see myself having a few option that I shall decide on. I can get a job right away and work all summer and from now on and save every penny for school. I can take out loans and accept the fact that I will find a way to pay them later. I can get a job and a loan and save for the moment I need to pay. Or I can do as I am and let my father pay for it and not let myself worry about running out of money every month or how it makes him feel. And here is where the lists begin.



  • I make money
  • I can write more on my resume
  • I can save
  • I can become more independent
  • I will learn more skills


  • My grades can drop
  • I can over work myself
  • I can grow to stressed
  • I get anxiety when having a boss
  • I can hate what I do
  • I can miss out of opportunities



  • I wont have to worry about paying until after I graduate
  • I do not have to worry my father about money
  • I no longer need to ask anyone for help
  • I do not need to stress about money every month


  • I will have much more to pay later
  • I may not be making enough money to pay it like I should
  • I will put myself into debt
  • I will postpone the stress
  • I know nothing about loans

Job + Loan


  • I will be making the money I need to save to pay off the debt
  • I can start paying it off sooner rather than later
  • I can start to become much more independent
  • I may have less money stress


  • I can really over work myself
  • I may get to happy with the money and not save
  • I will have no time for anything but work and school
  • Stress

Leave As Is


  • None.


  • This never ending stress on my shoulders
  • May get kicked from classes
  • Asking for help all the time
  • Feeling bad about myself
  • Stress
  • Everything I feel now

What is really odd about this is that I like the idea of a loan and a job. It is probably one of the better and not so good ideas. There is this chance that I may become extremely over worked and my classes my suffer from it. And naturally the response is that I can quit but last time I did that I felt so bad. I really hate letting people down, I just want to be the best that I can for everyone. I think that is my biggest worry about all of this. Letting people and myself down. Maybe that is what I really need to focus on.

Yay Stress

It is always great to hear good news and it is also great to win things. But sometimes it is hard to be happy and celebrate when you are scared of everything. I got awarded a free trip to the other side of the state to learn all about grad school. It is a mind blowing and amazing opportunity and yet I can not be truly happy about it. I am so afraid of how I am going to pay for next semester or survive the next few months. I keep wondering if I should just get a job and save every penny so that I no longer have to worry. God, I must be more like my mom than I thought if I think about money this often.

All I have been able to think about is what in the world I am going to do the next few months. Fall is going to be crazy and I want to spend the summer getting ahead. But no matter how many options I put in front of myself I just keep asking my self for other solutions that are not there. This is probably why I never do all the things that I want to do. I always want someone to tell me what to do and I do not have to think about it.

Class is calling my name and I meet with my therapist after. I can only hope that I magically get all the answers and I will stop stressing about everything. I hope you are all having a great beginning of your week. If anything amazing happened to you let me know, I always love to hear people’s lives heading in a direction that they want. I love you all!

What is an Adult?

I feel like this last week was just a longer weekend, it did not in any form feel like a vacation. I have always hated when that happens because I feel like I got ripped off. I have about a month left of this semester but I have a strong feeling it is going to drag on forever. It often does. With the end being so close it means that it is time to sign up for summer and fall classes. Now I have been in a huge battle with myself for the last few weeks about this summer and what I am going to do. I think I am coming closer to my solution as I am not sure how I feel about it. I have decided to take at least one summer class. I would like to mention that one class is 500 dollars!!!!!! How crazy is that! But there is nothing I can do about that.

I made the needed appointments to try and be more of an adult. I am seeing someone to help me create a resume and then I am going to see the financial aid office to try and find a way to get money. Who knows if there is any that I can get. Loans may be needed for the next few semesters and that is something that no one is happy about. I feel like a kid that is putting on my parents clothes and pretending to be an adult. It is funny how little we actually learn about adult life. I feel like a confused little kid trying to understand these big words like bills and taxes. In all my years of schooling I feel like I have learned nothing about real life. But hey at least I know how to find x.